“Will do.” “Have a great Trip.” “Will do. Have fun.” “So cute.” “Congratulations.” “Love it.” These are some of the canned responses you can click on in email to, what, save some time versus a genuine response that take less effort than whatI’ve just typed?
Here’s another; “Awesome! Thanks.” Click.
Then, “Reply all”. Click. That’s what it said. Reply all. How personal. I’m touched.
There was a time when saying ‘awesome’ or using exclamation points were used to convey a sense of emphasis. It’s email for goodness sake. Have we gotten so lazy that we have to rely on automated phrases that only need to be touched by a cursor to convey a feeling we probably don’t actually have? Awesome is no longer awesome if it’s just a phrase there to click. We’ve cheapened the language.
I’m starting a campaign for honesty.
In response to “Hope all is well….”
Dear “Hope all is well”
“I got your note a few minutes ago with your sincere conclusion that you hope all is well. I’m not sure if you meant to say that because ‘hope all is well’ is an automated addition they’re putting on at the end of emails, but you know that since all yours end with “hope all is well” even when it’s just to confirm dinners or forward me an article. I mention it because it’s like those emoticons you send in texts. They’re not really cute, not for someone your age, and I don’t think they convey a deeper sense of feeling than would your thumbing your own thoughts. You do have thoughts, don’t you?
“Well, all is not well. What country do you live in? A little Guatamalan girl dies in US custody. She might not have been Guatamalan, maybe Honduran or Hondurian, or Costa Rician, but what different does it make?
“My neighbor across the Street, the older guy with the push lawnmower you make fun of by posting your finger and your thumb in the shape of an L on your forehead, committed suicide because his younger wife of some 30 years left him. What was he thinking? There’s a rule of thumb that you don’t marry someone 30 years younger or older than you, or should be. It’s just so wrong.
“Thing is he borrowed my snow blower last April, when we had the blizzard that took down my gutters which I really need to replace, and I never got it back. It’s partly my fault because I didn’t want it taking up room in the garage and I thought, oh well, I’ll mention that I’d forgotten he borrowed it (snowed the other day as a matter of fact) and he’d have to return it and I got free storage for the season and he always fills it was gas. But he’s dead now so what am I supposed to do? Knock on the door and nonchalantly say it’s mine? Maybe I’ll ask the wife to doit. I hate dealing with sad people andI’ll bet they’re sad over there, especially after the young widow learns he didn’t have much money after all. She’l want that snowblower. I’d better get it myself.”
“You didn’t ask about my job, or lack thereof. Was that deliberate? I grant you I lost it eight months ago but in that note, that email, you didn’t say anything either. Check that, you sent a text with a smiley face in tears. But you never said anything. Trying to avoid situations that aren’t that awesome? Well, I’m still looking for work.
“I had a Skype interview, a first, and they had this outline of a torso on the screen and I had to stay inside of it. Well you know me, what with the spinal stenosis it’s hard to stay still so I kept moving out of it and every time I did a buzzer went off and the interviewer, whom I couldn’t see, asked me to stay within the lines. I felt like the fat guy in that old game, Operation.
“Remember that? I so wanted one as a kid, but it was expensive, for my dad anyway, but he got one out of the town dump put ‘n take – his favorite place to pick up things for free — that beeped constantly (lose wire, no wonder someone threw it away) andI never played with it and he told me he was smart not to buy a toy I never would play with and when I argued about it not working he changed the subject or slapped me. Or both. Usually both.
“Speaking of operations they did a cardiac ablation the other day again. Maybe it’ll work this time around. Who knows? I’m still on COBRA and have been really careful about spending, not solely due to your advice, but suffice it to say with the ablation I hit my$7,500 deductible, phew, so I can maybe I’ll get the shingles vaccination at last. It’s been eight months since I got them and the doctor told me then to wait a while.
“I got an alert from you. From yourFacebook account. It said you were at the ‘Grassy Reed’ vegan restaurant and gave an address downtown somewhere. Did you send that? Maybe it was an automated alert because why would I care that you were there? I’ll admit there was a link to Yelp that I clicked on, inadvertently, with a number of awesomes so I guess it was good.
“I’m off in a second. The widow just drove out and I see the garage door is open. Hope all is well.”